


Only Love Hurts Like This

by orphan_account



Category: jacksepticeye
Genre: How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 16:42:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20212975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Anti did everything due to loving Seán, rather than trying to replace him.





	Only Love Hurts Like This

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! The long awaited fix that no one was actually waiting for!

Seán knew something had to have been going on. They all knew something was going on. Seán was just the one who knew the least. And Anti wanted to keep it that way. For good. That’s why when he could he would ignore the other man, lashing out everytime he got the chance. Pushing Seán away in the most aggressive way possible is the only way he knows how to act towards the other man.

There wasn’t necessarily a problem with it, at least at first. Everyone just figured that’s how Anti acted. Because, well, that’s how he _did_ act. Violent and pissy. So when Anti started acting even more vicious, it wasn’t strange. They all took it upon themselves to protect each other if Anti ever became too rash, yet Anti was only ever more harsh with Seán. Not that it wasn’t normal, he’s always targeted him the most. With trying to kill him and all.

Yet, it was when Anti started to get self destructive that things started to get odd. Especially with Seán, it seemed like everyone knew what was happening with Anti except for him. He definitely wasn’t happy about that, he has a right to know what was going on. But everytime he brought it up, he’d never get an answer. Jackie and Marvin would make an excuse to leave while Henrik and Chase got unnaturally quiet. Seán didn’t have the heart to ask JJ, he’s too precious to get dragged into anything like this.

Seán was rarely around when the destruction happened, it actually took him months to start to realize what was going on. He was a busy man, so he can’t know everything ever. Also to note that he would barely see Anti to begin with, so he had no idea what the glitch had been looking like. Everyone else has seen him though. And heard him.

He had to find out what was going on. The egos wouldn’t tell him anything. So he figured his best bet was to go to the main culprit - Anti himself. His plan was to just storm into his room and confront him. He didn’t think that maybe Anti wouldn’t be in his room at the time, and that’s very much how it went down. Peachy.

Pushing the door open slowly, he quickly scans the room in search of the glitch. But instead of being met with a familiar face, he’s met with holes in the walls and blood on every surface. Swallowing loudly, he steps into the room, wincing at the creaking floorboard. He’s never actually been in Anti’s room, or even really seen it. It seemed ordinary. Plain, other than the dried blood on the floor and walls. Slowly walking towards the desk he tries to avoid the destruction in the room. He’s afraid to know who’s blood that is. Or why it looks like there was a struggle in the room. Was he struggling with someone else? Or was it an… internal fight.

Nibbling on his lip, he looks over everything on the desk. Nothing too out of the ordinary at first glance. A few knives (that may or may not have blood on them), a few pens that he presumes Anti stole from Henrik, and a journal. He’s honestly quite jealous that Anti’s desk is cleaner than his own. However, something feels terribly off. His eyes travel back to the journal. Nothing too off putting, he still grabs it anyways. Opening the cover, he’s only met with one word.

_‘Seán.’_

Holding his breath, his hand goes to turn the page, he grabs it as his mind races to piece together what could possibly be on the next page. He’s still for a moment, and then he sets the journal down. He came here to find out what was going on, not be nosy. But what if the next page had all the answers to his questions? Shaking his head, Seán runs a hand through his hair as he takes one last look at Anti’s room before rushing out of there. After seeing what he saw, he only has more questions. He’s going to ask them, and he better get answers.

Later that day Seán had gathered his friends into the kitchen. He hadn’t told them why he needed to talk to them all, but he assumed that they could piece it together. He’s glad he was able to catch them all before they scattered to live their own lives, but he’s sure he’d have to do things quick. Seán isn’t the only busy one after all. And with what the topic is, he’s certain that won’t help any.

“So… I’m sure you all know why I decided to call a meeting.” Looking around the kitchen, he’s met with mixed reactions. But this is the only way. He can’t find Anti anywhere, but he knows the other egos talk to him more. So they have to know something. No more secrets. He refuses to be held in the dark anymore.

“Uh, actually I don’t? You were just like, ‘grr meet me in the kitchen right now’ and I was like ‘k’ and here we are.” Everyone nods in agreement to Marvin’s statement, Seán lets out a sigh before speaking again. Maybe he should’ve been more specific, but if he told them what this was about beforehand, they would all make excuses to get out of it. No more excuses. Seán is sick of it.

“Look, okay. That’s my bad. But you’re all here now and that’s what matters,” looking around at his friends, he decides he better not beat around the bush any longer, “What’s going on with Anti?”

The room is silent for a good while, Seán studies everyone’s faces. Chase’s and JJ’s discomfort, Henrik’s sharp inhale, Jackie’s sputtering, and Marvin’s tapping fingers getting even quicker. Raising his eyebrows, he waits for someone to speak up. Things can either go exactly how he’d like them to, or they can not. He hopes it’s the former.

“Why do you care?”

That’s… not what he was expecting. Snapping his eyes back to Marvin, their eyes narrow at each other. Opening his mouth to retort back at the magician, he gets interrupted by Chase.

“Wh-What he means is - it’s not a big deal. So it’s nothing to worry about. Right guys? You’re busy enough… you don’t need to worry about this. That’s what Marvin meant… to not fuss! Yeah…” Locking his eyes with Chase, a stern frown forms on his face as he crosses his arms. Now… something unquestionably has to be going on if Chase of all people is trying to get his mind off of it. Not cool bro.

“I have every right to know what’s going on. It doesn’t matter if I’m busy or not. I thought you of all people wouldn’t lie to me, Chase.” Clearly his friend took a punch at that due to the quick grimace on his face, he starts to nervously fiddle his fingers. A sign of discomfort and hurt, Seán wants to apologize. But now is not the time to back down.

“I just meant-“

“No, Chase. I’ve seen the bloodbath in his room. I’ve seen the holes in his walls. Anyone wanna fucking explain that? Huh?” It’s quiet once more. The air is thick with discomfort but Seán could care less at this point. He needs to know. He’s not sure why he needs to know, but he just needs to. Chase ducks his head down, undoubtedly done talking. Henrik and Jackie exchange a look as JJ plays with his watch. Marvin rolls his eyes, opening his mouth to say another snarky remark only to get interrupted.

“Listen, Seán. It’s genuinely no biggie. Anti and I have just been… getting into fights more than usual. That’s it. Nothing more to it.” Jackie speaks confidently for a liar, Seán thinks. Maybe this was a mistake, he’s only getting more pissed off at their excuses. They had all decided a long time ago to tell each other if Anti was up to something, that’s certainly not the case anymore.

“If that’s true, why do you not have any bruises or scratches on your body?” It was a known factor that Jackie would somehow come home with a black eye and a fractured body part just from trying to get a cat down from a tree, so the fact that he would go up against Anti and come out unharmed isn’t believable in the slightest. Seán watches as Jackie tries to think of something to say, Marvin quickly speaks to defend the struggling hero.

“How do you know he doesn’t?” Once again, Seán and Marvin remain eye contact. Silently challenging each other to say something, or do something. Marvin has always been quick to say something sarcastic, so this attitude isn’t new. It’s certainly unappreciated right now though.

“Seán, you do realize I’m a doctor right? Jackie comes to me when he’s hurt-“ Seán snaps his eyes towards Henrik, pointing at him angrily. This is really starting to piss him off. He thought at least one of them would tell the truth, not pact together with excuses.

“No. No! Shut up! Don’t form this made up story and feed it to me thinking I’ll believe it. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on, do tell me. Please, I’d love to hear more of your lies! What the hell happened to keeping each other in the know, or did every one of you forget about that?” Silence seems to be a recurring thing today. It doesn’t last too long, as Marvin is the one to break it, Seán is fully expecting him to say something douchey like he has been this entire time. But that is definitely not the case. Marvin looks tired, letting out a sigh as he speaks.

“Maybe… just maybe, the reason we’ve been keeping this all a secret is to keep you safe.” It’s Seán’s turn to get taken aback, brain trying to wrap itself around the magicians words. Marvin doesn’t elaborate, neither do any of the other egos. He wants to ask more questions. He wants to push further after _finally_ getting somewhere. But suddenly the air feels staticy and a glitch turns into a human form along with the others. It’s the first time Seán has seen him in a long while, and he rarely gets to take in the form before Anti notices him and glitches away. Henrik stands, officially ending the meeting as he goes to follow Anti. Seán stands still as Chase and JJ leave to get fresh air and Jackie retreats back to training. Marvin stays where he is, eyeing the other man.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you Seán… but you need to figure out who your friends are and why they do the things they do for you. I get it, you’re worried. You think Anti has some plan hidden up his sleeve but… Seán you need to just drop it. We’re your friends for a reason. Don’t be a dick.” With one swift movement, Marvin is out of his seat and back to his own life, leaving Seán alone and confused. He still can’t help but want to know the truth. He doesn’t need protection, he needs answers.

It was later in the night, he hasn’t talked to any of the other egos ever since what happened earlier. It’s not like he wanted to talk to them anyway. He felt like shit. Was it wrong of him to be so upset? No… maybe he shouldn’t have snapped like that. But they should understand why he was so hurt. They were lying to him. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Seán was struggling to sleep as is, tossing and turning every couple of minutes. He was restless. How could he sleep after what happened today? After what was said. Huffing, he rubs his hands over his face in irritation before getting up. If he can’t sleep he might as well occupy himself. Deciding to get himself a glass of water before figuring out what to do with his life, he really should be sleeping.

Stopping at his doorway, he hears a bang coming from another room. A loud bang. Pausing his movements, he waits for another noise - which he receives sooner than later. It’s coming from Anti’s room. He feels his heartbeat quicken, should he continue on his journey for water? Or is this his chance to find out what’s really going on? He decides to choose the ladder. This could be the only chance he gets in awhile, or ever. Quietly moving towards the door, his heart pounds as he realizes that it’s not fully closed. Anti always keeps his door closed, most of the time even locked. Does he open it during the night?

Peeking into the cracked door, he lets his eyes adjust to the change of lighting before peering around. Seán holds his breath once he catches sight of Anti. The glitch was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, head hung low. He looked oddly small. Seán was about to enter to see if the ego was even conscious, but before he could move Anti’s head shot up and in a split second he reels his head back to smack against the wall, the only noise being a sickening _crack._

He feels like he’s froze in place. Not sure what to do. Is that where the holes came from? Why did he just do that? His mind was racing, out of everything he was expecting it wasn’t… it wasn’t this. Standing there and staring at the ego was absolutely not the right thing to do, as suddenly the door was being swung open and Anti’s black eyes stared straight into his own. If he wasn’t frozen before, he surely was now. He silently curses himself for thinking he could sneak up on the ego without being caught, he should know by now how observant Anti is.

Anti’s form was still other than a few random glitches, Seán couldn’t help but stare at the dried blood on his temple, he could only assume the back of his head was a bloody mess. Dragging his eyes down the egos body, the slit throat almost seems comforting compared to the mangled skin on Anti’s arms. He feels sick just looking at what he guesses are cuts, they could possibly be from the egos nails as well. He was doing this to himself?

“Why are you awake?”

Seán’s eyes snap back up to Anti’s. This was a mistake. He should’ve just left the ego alone instead of trying to get into his business. Shaking his head, not sure how to respond. His mouth feels dry as Anti stares him down with a cold look. Grabbing the doorframe, his eyes travel around Anti’s body, looking for something else the ego could’ve done to himself. Though he’s not sure he really wants to know.

There’s a brief moment of silence before Anti rolls his eyes and turns away from his staring contest with Seán, giving the man a chance to catch a glimpse at the back of his head. Seán feels like he’s going to vomit, not necessarily because of the blood. But because of how tender and shallow Anti’s skull looked. If he didn’t know any better he would think that it was going to cave in on itself at any moment. Swallowing loudly, he stumbles into Anti’s room on impulse, letting out a shaky breath as he watches the egos body tense.

“A-Anti…” Wincing at his voice crack, he takes a chance and steps closer to the glitch. Fully aware of him grabbing a knife off of his desk, this could be a massive mistake, “Anti I can… we can get you help. You don’t have to suffer through this alo-“

“Shut the fuck up. Don’t pull this bullshit with me. I don’t care.” Anti doesn’t turn towards Seán, but the words hold just as much venom, he watches as the ego flips the knife around in his hands, ready to run if he needed too. But he wanted to help. Damn him and his empathy. He wants to help the guy who would relish in seeing him gutted and demolished. Yet he can’t help it.

“No! You can’t push me away. Let me help you!” Stepping towards Anti on a whim, he grabs his shoulder only to get shoved off with a quiet mumble of, “don’t touch me”. Realizing he might’ve went a bit too far, he backs off. Anti still remains turned away from him. Seán watches as his back tenses up even more. He looks like a bomb getting ready to explode. Taking another step back, ready for Anti to try to grab at him and harm him, he feels even more uneasy than before. He doesn’t know what came over him to grab the ego like that, he wouldn’t grab anyone like that. Especially not the guy who has tried to kill him repeatedly.

“You know what. Fuck this. And fuck you.” Spinning around, Seán suddenly comes face to face with a very angry glitch. Seán waits for a punch, or a shove, or a knife in the gut. But he receives none of it. All he gets is a finger to the chest and a snarl. His glitching seems to go erratic for a moment, fingers twisting into Seán’s shirt to pull them even closer. They were sharing breaths at this point, but if Seán was honest, he was scared to breathe. Anti leans in even closer, voice dangerously low as he speaks, “Leave. Me. Alone.”

Seán catches Anti’s eyes lingering on his lips before the glitch lets out a deep growl and moves away. He decides not to point it out. For all he knows, Anti was probably thinking of sewing his mouth shut. No thanks. He’s determined to get answers though. The ego has been quite obviously self harming. He’s going to do everything in his power to help. And yeah, whatever. You can only help people if they want to be helped. But he’s hoping that somewhere deep down Anti craves to be saved. Maybe he craves to help Anti.

“I’m not leaving you alone, Anti. You could kill yourself doing this. I know… I know we’re not friends by any means. And that you hate my guts. But I don’t want you to die, not like this. You’re destroying yourself! I’m sure you’re doing more than I’ve seen. Just let me… I don’t know… at least let me try to support you. I don’t hate you, not like you hate me. So just… c’mon man…”

Anti is silent for a moment, staring at the floor but not necessarily looking either. He seems deep in thought, Seán can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing that he’s so… still. Swallowing his nerves down, he sticks his chin up slightly in determination. If the ego chooses to go the violent route or the… not violent route, Seán will still find out more about the glitch either way. Though he prefers the ladder, he can’t get too hopeful. Taking in every little detail of Anti’s body as he awaits for an answer, he can’t help but frown.

The egos body was practically demolished. Hair messy and thin due to ripping it out, dark bags under his eyes from no sleep. Seán’s eyes linger on Anti’s neck, the mangled scar is a dark red, he can’t help but notice smaller scars in the same area. Almost like Anti attempted to reopen the wound. Dragging his eyes down the glitches body, he takes in how small he actually is. How pale he is, and how the scars stick out like a sore thumb. The cuts on his arms don’t seem too terrible, they almost look like scratches. Seán realizes that that’s exactly what it is when he notices how dirty the egos nails are, and how a few of his nails seem to be missing. He wonders where they went. But more than anything he wonders why Anti does this to himself.

“Why do you think I do the things I do?”

Seán doesn’t have to ask what he means. Though part of him wants to just to hear it in reality. Anti is talking about everything they’ve been through. When he tried to kill him… more than once. When he put him in a coma. Everything… he’s talking about everything he put Seán through. The answer seems quite simple. It’d be really hard to not know the answer. At least that’s what Seán thinks. Anti’s eyes bore into his own now, flickering between fully black and glowing green, it’s extremely unnerving.

“It’s because you hate me.” Seán watches as Anti lets out a deep breath, glitching slowing almost to a near stop. The answer seemed correct… at least to Seán it did. But Anti apparently thought otherwise as he mumbled “no” over and over to himself, Seán was about to speak and question the ego. Only for Anti’s glitching to increase rapidly to the point wear Seán could barely make out a figure. It made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up in discomfort, he suddenly felt cold.

“No. No no no… no, don’t you get it? Don’t you fucking get it? Can you hear me Jack?” Anti’s voice was changing in dramatic octaves, yet Seán could hear him near perfect. Seán watches as the egos glitches slowed to where he could at least make out the form of his body, though that didn’t help the fear any. Even after all these years… Anti was still fucking terrifying. Letting out a shuddering breath, he listens as Anti continues, “I’m- I’m madly in love with you!”

Time seems to freeze for a moment. Anti’s erratic glitching being the only thing really moving. Seán isn’t sure what to say. Should he even say anything at all? Staring into Anti’s eyes, he wished he could read what they were saying. He doesn’t know how to feel. This went in a completely different direction than he was expecting. Anti realizes this, and there’s a flash of something in his eyes… hurt, maybe? Before it’s gone. Neither of them move as they stare into each other’s eyes.

“I can… we can get you help…” Sean’s voice is barely above a whisper, unsure of what else to say. Anti’s shoulders sag in defeat before he composes himself once more, Seán squeezes his eyes shut as the ego draws near. Ignoring the shiver that goes up his spine as he feels Anti’s breath against his cheek, he doesn’t want to be in this room anymore. This isn’t what… this isn’t what he wanted. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He just wanted answers, not a love confession.

“You have no idea how it feels.”

Anti steps away from Seán, squinting his eyes open he notes Anti waving him off to leave. Taking a step back, he turns towards the door. As he grabs the handle, he remains for a moment. Letting out a soft breath, he stares at a hole in the wall as he tries to process everything that’s just happened. So… Anti… everything Anti has done to him these past few years - is because he loves him? That’s… hard to wrap his head around. Opening the door slightly, he contemplates standing in the doorway only to decide that’s not what’s best. He exits, leaving Anti alone.

“Please, Jack... just know how much I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic was actually done for about a month but I just got around to editing it. Though I didn’t execute it exactly how I wanted, I think it’s a huge step up from how I usually write.
> 
> Feel free to leave suggestions for upcoming fics or even your thoughts on this one! Thanks for reading if you got this far!


End file.
